Motherhood – The hardest job you will ever have….the most rewarding job you will ever have.
So over the weekend we celebrate Mothers day, and I thought it would be a good time to reflect on my motherhood journey so far. I must admit, our journey has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride but I guess we all go through the same emotions and troubles – in various degrees.
My journey to motherhood started out as any other – planning, waiting and excitement. The first 12 weeks of our pregnancy was very difficult. Had 4 sonars – all saying the same thing – before our 12 week appointment with my gynecologist. We only told family and friends at about 16 weeks about our bundle of joy. Needless to say we were very excited and couldn’t wait for baby to arrive.
I didn’t want to know the gender but hubby really wanted to know. I believed It was a boy while hubby believed it would be a girl. So during our 4 D scan I allowed hubby to get the gender, but he had to keep it to himself. He was so excited that he decided to share it with me with an amazing reveal. We also shared it them with the family. I was over the moon as I really wanted a girl.
Little M also could wait to meet us – as she decided to surprise us about 5 weeks early. It happened so fast that I wasn’t really prepared to see our new baby girl – especially not in NICU connected to so many machines. The hardest part for me was the fact that I never got to hold her. After she was born, she and hubby was taken away where the Dr worked on her for about an hour. They brought her to me, placed her on my chest for one photo and off she went again. I only got to see her again about 3 hours later in NICU.
Looking back I realized I suffered from postpartum depression, I was constantly blaming myself for everything. I couldn’t bath her at all – so I felt like I am already failing as a mother. I just wanted to be the best mom to this amazing little fighter. She made sure we never had a dull moment – where every we went. One of the Neo-natal nurses told us after her first night in NICU that Little M “got spirit”. I asked her what she meant by it and she just said – ” you will find out soon”. And I now know what it means.
We got plenty o mommy and daughter bonding time during 2015. With Little M struggling with health issues and Dr struggling to pin point the root cause. During that time I seriously started questioning my mothering abilities. I believed I did something wrong – I know its something crazy to think – but that was my reality. I started questioning whether motherhood is truly as magical as they say and was it all worth it. Fast forward to 2016 – and we finally managed to start truly enjoying motherhood.
Every time Little M calls out to me, every time she smiles at me, every time she runs to me for a hug or just to keep her save – I know that it is those tiny moments that makes motherhood unforgettable. Yes, motherhood is not easy, and everybody will experience it in their own way. To some it will come natural, to others – like myself – it is something you need to work on every single day. You will have some good days and some bad days and then there will be those days where you question everything about motherhood.
I have learned so much from Little M. She taught us to always smile, no matter what you are facing. She taught us that the greatest gift you can give is a hug – one so tight you that you can’t breathe. She taught us that a healthy lifestyle is more important than trying to conform to what society believes. She taught us that kids do not need sweet treats as reward for good behavior but proper nutritional education can help them in making better choices. She taught us how to work together as a family in hard times and how to support each other when you feel weak.
I always wanted to be a perfect mother – as if there is something like that. So I decided I will just be the best mother I can be. I will have moments of weakness where I will over react, but I will always give Little M unconditional love. I have some great role models to look up too , and will use all the great lessons from them to bring up Little M.
To all the mothers out there – Thank you! Keep you head high no matter what the situation. Remember, you are doing the hardest job in the world but I promise you, it will be worth it – even if those moments seem insignificant now. Thank you Little M for allowing me to love and raise you. I know I am not perfect – but never forget how much I love you!